How I fell apart, perfectly.
I was in the middle of my first Ayahuasca ceremony in the beautiful mayan jungle when I felt my chest rip open. The icaros, sang by the beautiful medicine couple, poured into my chest glowing red with love. That glow filled my entire body, my soul up with love. With love that I had ignored, with love that I had this entire time but I just hadn’t brought awareness to it. It was right after that ceremony that I knew my offerings needed to come to life. I wrote my first meditation journey based on love and began holding circles with plant medicine.
Before that I was in a dark pit, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t want to accept love and I knew something had to change. My journey with sacred medicines truly began.
Fast forward to this summer. I had been holding space for a while now and creating beautiful immersions with sacred medicines. I usually sit in ceremony and all goes blissfully well until this time… I saw my own death and I completely fell into a fear pit in front of my entire retreat. I felt so much shame.. shame that I didn’t keep it together. That the retreat space holder fell apart for 15 minutes… but what I didn’t realize was that this is exactly what I needed and what THEY needed too! As a sacred space holder (and recovering perfectionist) I work hard to create environments where others can feel vulnerable and empowered to create their safe container. This entire year I was hiding how hard I had been working, how hard I had been setting expectations on myself, and how much stress I was accumulating because of these expectations. I came off as cool and collected to everyone but inside I so desperately needed a break and a reset. Bufo provided that for me without even asking.
As we sat in our integration circle I was met with a community that not only was in their own personal afterglow but also felt so much joy for me as their space holder. We are all one and at that moment we were no different, we were all holding each other. I thank these sacred medicines for helping me see who I am, for showing me light + dark, for upgrading me, and for bringing me closer to the people I so gladly call my soul brothers and sisters.
It’s been almost three months and I continue to feel like the integration is unraveling. I have been able to slow down, lessen the expectations, and I have almost no worry about people pleasing anymore. I’m not perfect (and never will be) but I certainly feel way better than I did before. The medicines have helped me move with more intention, enjoy play, and they continue to help me build beautiful experiences for all of you.
I know we all struggle with showing up for ourselves at times and these last few months of the year can be pretty tough. If you’re ready, come join me in December for an other beautiful medicine immersion. I’ll be there welcoming you with open arms and a warm heart. We got this togther.